What Sort of Man Are You?

Note: I’ll do my best to keep this from being an anti-men rant. I realize that it’s unfair to judge a group by a few individuals…

After a few late night conversations with my male friends, and reviewing my own past, I’m coming to a sad conclusion that most men are bad men (at least in this point in life). They’re selfish and egotistical. And I don’t know if it’s because they were raised this way or if it was because it’s inherent in testosterone (I think it’s a healthy mix of both) but I find it so appalling. Let me explain…

I keep finding the same pattern. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Dates girl. Boy starts getting bored, disinterested, etc. Girl questions Boy. Boy persuades Girl. Boy keeps dating Girl. Boy gets in personal rut. Boy wakes up and dumps girl. What I find so disheartening about this is there were so many moments where Boy could have been honest, “hey I don’t know about this anymore. I like you, but I’m just unsure.” And rather than doing that, rather than being honest, he just keeps it to himself until one day he just can’t take it anymore. And why does he keep it to himself? Because even though he knows things are going south, even though he knows that things aren’t really working, that he’s questioning his love for her, it’s making the Boy mildly happy enough to keep it going. Boys don’t break up because the relationship is bad, boys break up because the relationship is inconvenient (i.e. the free sex no longer outweighs the rut they’re in.)

And what blows my mind about this, is that boys don’t learn from their behavior. They understand that what they did was shitty, hurtful, selfish and yet it doesn’t stop them at all from doing it again to the girl. And what doubly blows my mind is that these shitty boys are one day going to have children, possibly daughters who will get hurt and suffer from some other like minded boy and what is this boy-dad going to do then? Just admit that men are shitty and that she (his daughter) will have to suffer for it? You think most boys would want to be good men but they really don’t. They just want to accomplish their self-serving pursuits in life–hurting other people be damned.

I have a distaste for unethical, self-serving,  corporate, business types. And it’s amazing how much A is like that. Even though he’s an “artist,” he has those same egotistical, selfish, step on the necks of anyone in your way mentality. He’s hardly grown or evolved as a man, he’s still in boy mode. And he’s too busy loving himself to bother trying to be a “good” man and love someone else. It’s amazing that he wants children — yes, on the superficial level he’d be a great dad, he’s a fun guy etc. Beyond that, he would completely fall short. That’s my opinion because you can’t be emotionally shallow (and absent) and a great dad.

It’s just really shitty that he chose to not tell me when things started going south, even though I tried to bring it numerous times. He chose to play around with Shannon. He chose to string me along. He chose to take advantage of every open and honest insecurity I shared with him. He chose to hurt me, because our relationship was a convenient for him. How and why would I want to friends with a man like that?

A good man doesn’t choose to hurt someone, he’d rather hurt himself. But of my past relationships, of all my male friends, I’ve yet to find one of them who did that. Who was just honest no matter the consequences. I guess it’s the result of the prolonged adolescence that we’re all in.

Story time:

So week one, we break up and A goes to see Shannon in NYC. A and I see each other that Sunday. Week two, we see each other and he tells me, oh yeah, Shannon’s still in NYC, we’re going to meet up next week in Philly. We inevitably have this discussion about what sort of man he is and wants to be. Because as if the break up isn’t hard enough, as if I don’t already feel like dying from the personal rejection, he has to go play around with some other girl like she’s the love of his life. (He can’t even be honest with her or me that she is just a happy distraction (and nothing more) from all the shit he’s going through.)

I explain to him how if they ever had a relationship this would be its foundation and it would be a pretty shitty one, because how could she ever trust him? I basically give him an ultimatum and tell him that if he “wants to be friends” as he so desperately claims because he “stills loves me” that he should not go see her on Sunday. He supposedly understands that being a good man would mean not making this hurt so many times worse. And he agrees not to go see her. Eventually, I realize that we’re never really going to be friends anyway, and rescind my ultimatum. He goes and sees her because like a selfish boy, my hurt really means nothing to him and never has. It’s just a temporary inconvenience for him.

What Sort of Man Are You?

Niche

I think what I’m missing in life is really a niche group of friends who are interested in the same things I am. I’m visiting B in Chicago and as a result we end up hanging with a lot of improv people. And it’s similar to when I hung out with A and his friends. They’d all get together and talk about jazz. For the majority of the time I stood awkwardly around, wondering what the hell I was doing there and feeling terribly insecure because no one would talk to me. (Not because I’m not awesome, but because I just can’t talk jazz and they can’t not talk jazz.) It’s a little better with B’s improv friends because they talk about jokes and funny shit, which isn’t exclusive in itself, they end up taking a lot about their experiences and it’s relatable, so hanging with them was much easier. Jazz musicians get real exclusive, and no matter how much you think you’re a part of the club, you’re just plain not unless you’re a jazz musician (sorry girlfriends.)

Every now and then I would ask A if he cared that I didn’t play music, if there was something about him that I would just never get. He would reassure me that it’s not like that. Come to find out, that’s exactly what’s it’s like considering him and Shannon shared something so deep in just three weeks — it’s about the muuusssiiicccc. When he got back from Banff and told me about her, and I brought this up to him, he said no she’s not better, it’s just different. (Different enough for him to ditch three and a half years for.) He compared it to his music friends and his old friends from high school. And yeah, he definitely treats them differently – in my opinion I’d say his non-music friends get the short end of the stick. He calls them when he wants to, when it’s convenient to him. But yeah, I guess that’s just how he treats people outside of his exclusive circle. That’s how he treated me. (And don’t think that just because you’re in his exclusive music circle that you make the grade. Because trust me some of you don’t according to him.)

I wonder how clutch it is that your significant other is in the same field? I would have thought that that wouldn’t matter at all. But I’m actually thinking that it’s essential in a relationship. Now that we have so many options in life, it’s probably one of the easiest ways to narrow down the dating pool.

Niche