Feeling Sad

I feel sad right now. More sad than I get lately. Meaning, I can’t really get devastatingly sad anymore. The medicine stops the hurricane, so to speak. But I’m sad now, and am tempted to sit on my bed, hug my knees and let that hurricane arrive. I’ve done it so many times before–and old habits are hard to break, even with medication.

What caused it? Pining away for a guy who’s not interested in me. Big surprise there, right? She remarks sarcastically.

But that’s just the trigger. What’s really eating away at me?

  • I feel like I’m existing, not living.
  • I feel like I’m not good enough–never have been, never will be.
  • I feel like I live in a world where I constantly have to defend my way of thinking.
  • I feel directionless.
  • And I feel like I’m the only one.

And yes, I feel like no one will ever love me. But I have been loved, and isn’t that good enough, can’t that console me in my present long enough to last me into the future where anything else possible?

I recognize that I’m just feeling a lot of negative things right now. And that I have the capability to feel positive things–I have to at least attempt to. And that right now is constantly changing. It’s hard for me to believe, but I can beat back a hurricane.

Feeling Sad

30×30 Update: #30 Down – Get (and Giveback) a Pet

I’m a little sad to write up this 30×30 update, but let me start at the beginning. Last fall, I kept telling R that I wanted to get a dog. I didn’t actually mean it because I know how much work and responsibility owning a dog is, plus, I don’t like the idea of keeping a dog in an apartment all day long. I knew it was only a pipe-dream but I kept bringing it up anyway.

Well, one good thing came out of the devastation that was Hurricane Sandy. One day after the storm, our neighbor mentioned to us that the animal shelters were filling up fast with lost animals. He asked if we would consider fostering a pet until the shelter could catch up among all the chaos.

After R and I discussed it, with much pleading on my part, we decided that this was the best solution to my/our wanting a dog. We could love and enjoy a dog without having to make a lifetime commitment (in time and money). So, we filled out the form and after a few days, we became foster dog parents!

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We walked over to Unleash on one of the snowiest and coldest days of the season. A nice woman said she had the perfect little dog for us, and soon Tweetie (whom we renamed Bailey) was running up to us to lick our faces. Bailey was totally perfect, just the right size, some sort of Terrier-mix, and was unbelievably friendly. We trekked her home through the snow and slush and when we got home, we just sat on the floor playing with her, total honeymoon phase.

Overall, we ended up keeping Bailey for about two months (much longer than the two weeks we had anticipated.) And it was full of good times–runs in the dog park, visiting my parents house in Ithaca, cuddling up as I read, playing with the stuffed lion–and a few not so good times–like when she ran away from R.

Owning a dog is definitely a huge responsibility, many a times I considered just walking away from that steaming pile of poop (but I’m a good neighbor and always bagged it.) But I enjoyed waking up early in the morning and taking her for a walk when the city streets were still half-asleep. I loved how she’d stand on her hind legs so she could see her food bowl on the counter top; or when she’d sit stretched out with her paws crossed in front of her. And I’ll never forget how fast she was, like a greyhound, or how dumb she was, so pretty but dumb. Once she barked at a squirrel statue in the park, and another time she was barking at a pipe that was coming out of the wall of a house. It was hilarious and absurd.

Yesterday we gave Bailey back to the shelter, because unfortunately the time had come. It wasn’t easy, I really miss her and she probably misses us (at least for tonight.) But I firmly believe that she’ll find a great home with maybe even a yard for her to play in, because she is just too damn adorable not too.

And hey, if you live in Brooklyn and think she’s adorable, why not go give her a visit at Dog Habitat Rescue? You might just end up taking her home too. (If you don’t see her info on their site, they’re probably just back-logged. You can call them 347-203-3934 or 718-710-0707 and ask about Tweetie/Bailey.)

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30×30 Update: #30 Down – Get (and Giveback) a Pet

Crisis of Confidence

A little drama happened tonight, and now I’m feeling low. Maybe I am a bad person. Maybe I deserve everything that’s happened. Everyone keeps passing judgment on me anyway, why not succumb to their low expectations. Why be good? It’s clearly not the way I am, not the way most people are apparently.

I wish I could just have my life back from last year. 😥

UPDATE: It’s morning now, and I’m feeling better some. I was just frustrated last night.

Crisis of Confidence

72 Hours of Ups and Downs

I keep meaning to write, and I just haven’t found the time. But then I was reminded of something and just had to share it. Tonight someone left a comment on my now-defunct, but still hilarious Telephone Pictionary blog. Warning: This is not a family friendly blog. My last post on that blog was in April of last year, and yet I checked the stats, and it gets like 10 hits a day. I find this really really really funny for some reason. And then I checked out some of the drawings like Going to Church and Were You in the Shit? and I double over in glee. Ahh too good, too good.

It was also a relief to laugh because the past few days have been stressful and bad. Not all bad, but overall bad. I spent much of Saturday and Sunday with a crazy, crazy hateful rage inside of me directed towards A and his friends. My Grievances Towards Adam Hopkins Part 2.5 was in the making – however, for the time being it’s adverted. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I wanted him to die some horrible painful death, how I wouldn’t give a fuuuck, how I wanted him to break his hands and never play music again, how I wanted to tell off him and his friends, who suck purely by association (I know irrational!), etc. etc. The worst part was I could not get myself out of this rage. And hating consumes a lot of energy. I suppose it’s just a necessary phase in this “grieving” process or whatever. But hopefully that’s the last of it.

I think this weekend was a little more difficult then the past few weeks because we were supposed to go to a wedding (with his parents) out of town. So, I inadvertently knew what he was doing, where he was, even though I didn’t want to be thinking about it. Next week, he’ll be with friends at a summer house at the beach. I know this, because I was supposed to go. Because we had all gotten together one night searching for houses and giggling over the ridiculous property names. So, I suppose next week will be more difficult than normal too, but eh. Hopefully after that, all our summer plans will have passed and I will never have to think about him again.

But back to this past weekend. What got me out of this rage? A much more direct and timely anger. See, in an attempt to get over my rage towards A, I told myself to go down to the farmer’s market, and if I still felt crappy when I got home then, and only then, could I lie in bed and cry all afternoon – because I’m a little bitch, yea yea. (To be fair though, I’ve gone quite a many days, nay even two weeks, without crying over that idiot and “idiotess” – his girl idiot? ha.) I went to the farmer’s market and as I began to walk back home, somewhat simmered down, I realized my keys were missing. And let me tell you, this put me into quite the tizzy for the next five hours. It’s not like farmer’s markets have lost and founds. I’ll spare you the details of the whole ordeal, but it took a solid nap and a lot of crying before I could put that weekend behind me.

More sad news before I go onto better news. Well, this is sort of good news, but has overtones of sadness. They released my Grandma from the hospital, and she’s actually well enough to go back home for the time being, which is what she wanted all along. Hospice is meeting her tomorrow to set up a schedule for nurses and volunteers to come to the house and help her. When she gets worse though and needs 24/7 care, hopefully since hospice is already looking after her, it’ll be easier to get her into the residence. It’s sad too, because she talks about “when she gets better…” and I don’t know if this is the denial or if she actually doesn’t understand that it’s terminal. She thinks the issues with her brain is just a matter of some issue she has with her leg. So, I can’t tell if it’s just grieving denial, or if her mental faculties actually aren’t with it anymore…

On to happier news, I have so much happening for me professionally and creatively that it’s very exciting, if not a little stressful. I won’t get into the full details, but here are some things I’m working on (these notes are really more for me, but do read on):

– Inspiration series
– Female Designer Interviews
– Creation of a typeface
– Thank you cards
– 3 Typefaces – one script, one sans and one undecided
– Propaganda posters

I’m sure you’ll find out more about these things on here or on my design blog: The Gray Suite in the future. (Oh, and something else cool, today’s Brought to You by the Letter… was Lobster, B. And the creator of Lobster, Pablo Impallari, left a comment on my post, which made me feel special. Yay.)

What else, what else. Work is good. I always feel like it’s dull for two days and then a shit storm for two days where everything is due and clients want to talk on the phone for hours, etc. It’s not a bad thing though, I like the pressure. I got three sign-offs in one day, which is well, bad ass. I can also tell that my design skills keep getting better. Ya know, the whole practice makes perfect. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’m also no longer anywhere near sucking.

Oh, and I also realize that I’m going to drop my Facebook account soon. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know when and provide contact info and all that good stuff. It won’t be until my two new sites go up, which should be sometime this month. Oh yea, did I not mention that yet? I have two sites (of my own creation, design and upkeeping) that should go live soon. YAY! Don’t worry, you’ll know when it happens because I’ll be doing figurative cartwheels all over this blog and Twitter. But back to dropping Facebook, I just sort of realized that I’d rather do 90% of my socializing in real life and not online. I think social media is great, and I’ll continue to utilize it for my profession, but I’d rather let my friendships naturally ebb and flow. I think it’s natural for people to come and go in one’s lifetime, but social media is sort of casting that notion aside, and I’m not sure if it’s for the better. Like a friend from college, whom I never talk to anymore, tells me Happy Birthday on Facebook, which is always nice. But at the same time, I’d be much more happy for him or her to call me up out of the blue and say, hey I’m coming into town, can I crash with you. Because than this person enters back into your life – even if only briefly – in a much more interesting way that provides for new memories and new assertions about this person. An electronic Happy Birthday, doesn’t quite do that. Facebook, for all its unlimited possibility for exchange and dialogue, is rather one-sided.

Okay, I think that’s it. Oh yeah, and I’m moving! Imagine everything I mentioned above, and then add on the fact that I’ve got to pack my life into boxes and throw stuff away, make trips to Goodwill, sell stuff on Craigslist (anyone need a couch, bookshelf or misc Ikea crap) and plan what I’ll need during my travels. Indeed, I’m stressed. 🙂

72 Hours of Ups and Downs