I was hanging out with my friend J and she was telling me about a previous mutual friend. This third friend, about two years ago was in a tough spot. She had left a good job and city to move with her boyfriend. After a few weeks went by, they broke up. She returned to her old job and city heartbroken and likely embarrassed.
But today, J was telling me how that friend is still at that job and going up, she lives in a great city and travels abroad regularly and just moved in with her new boyfriend. I’m happy for her, even envious. Less than a year ago, I was in my apartment making dinner or doing homework, and I had the distinct thought that I was happy, that I had it all – a good job, close to an M.A, love and trust, and a place of my own. And now, nada – some by my choice, most of it not.
And it’s hard.
Hopefully, sooner rather than later, I’ll get to have all those things again. And there will be some broken-hearted girl envious of me but finding patience.
I am marveling at the blue beauty that is Neptune.
Generally, outer space scares the hell out of me. But I’m slowly becoming less afraid of the empty vastness. When the lights are off and I can’t fall asleep, I use the Planets app on my iPhone. It’s fun to see the constellations as if I were laying outside. And it’s peaceful to watch the planets spin at their different oscillations. And Neptune is so lovely with it’s blueness. A blue that replicates (and is enhanced) so well digitally.
Print by Ross Berens
D and I sitting in my car at Wegmans, trying to say “My Precious” in Golem’s voice and failing miserably. Oh, what a riot.
A new elephant for my collection. Quite the surprise receiving him in the mail! Now, what to name him… I’ll call him Hannibal. History has it, Hannibal took war elephants into the Alps during the Second Punic War. And this elephant looks pretty tough.
Okay, so I decided to password protect “My Grievances … Part II.” Why you might ask? Well to understand that, you have to understand why I wrote it: 1. I was hurting real bad. 2. I wanted to make A hurt too. Considering, I have no control over how A feels anymore, 2 is a moot point. And regarding 1, at the moment I’m not hurting as much anymore. And it’s gotten way more exposure than I ever intended it to. I feel some remorse about it, since I do want to take the high road because 1. I am the better person, and 2. because even after everything, the idea of intentionally making him hurt makes me feel worse (isn’t that ridiculous?!). So, while I might have violated his trust and preyed on his insecurities–like a bad person would do–I like to call A and I square.
To my critics: Why are you here? Why are you reading this? If you are friends or family of A, I’ve already done what I can to isolate myself from most of you. This blog is MY space. My safe space. Don’t like what you’re reading? Stop reading it. You’re not invited, not welcome, this isn’t for you or for him. It’s for ME. And I’ll say whatever I want, take back whatever I want, delete or approve whatever want. You know why? Because this is MY blog.
To my friends: Thank you. I can’t tell you how much a few words makes a difference. I suppose I write this shit because I’m not very good at reaching out to people and asking for help when I’m hurting. So the fact that you would reach out to me instead, is something I really appreciate. And no matter how small the gesture, each one of you is helping me through this. Thank you. I promise to keep myself distracted with more healthy things, scouts honor. But when I fall again, please be there to help pick me up again. Sincerely yours.