Mind. Body. Soul. That’s what I’m here for.
I feel sad right now. More sad than I get lately. Meaning, I can’t really get devastatingly sad anymore. The medicine stops the hurricane, so to speak. But I’m sad now, and am tempted to sit on my bed, hug my knees and let that hurricane arrive. I’ve done it so many times before–and old habits are hard to break, even with medication.
What caused it? Pining away for a guy who’s not interested in me. Big surprise there, right? She remarks sarcastically.
But that’s just the trigger. What’s really eating away at me?
- I feel like I’m existing, not living.
- I feel like I’m not good enough–never have been, never will be.
- I feel like I live in a world where I constantly have to defend my way of thinking.
- I feel directionless.
- And I feel like I’m the only one.
And yes, I feel like no one will ever love me. But I have been loved, and isn’t that good enough, can’t that console me in my present long enough to last me into the future where anything else possible?
I recognize that I’m just feeling a lot of negative things right now. And that I have the capability to feel positive things–I have to at least attempt to. And that right now is constantly changing. It’s hard for me to believe, but I can beat back a hurricane.
Yeah this is quite lovely. Cyrus covering Lana del Ray’s Summertime Sadness.
From Women Who run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, page 309:
The Hindus say that without Shakti, the personified feminine life force, Shiva, who encompasses the ability to act, becomes a corpse. She is the life energy that animates the male principle, and the male principle in turn animates action in the world.
I’ve always had a mind/body disconnect. I think and imagine but have extreme difficulty acting–there’s no lack of wanting to act–just a deficit in making my body perform so to speak.
It seems obvious that I’m out of balance. Recent blood work shows my hormones are one-sided, a lot of testosterone, less estrogen. But most interestingly is that my androstenedione hormone was off the charts. My understanding is that androstenedione is basically a stepping stone in the creation of testosterone/estrogen. For whatever reason, it’s as though there’s a dam in my system and my androstenedione isn’t flowing to become what it’s meant to become–whatever that may be.
I think I there’s a block on my feminine energy. I googled how to improve my feminine energy, my female life force, and I got a lot of results regarding attracting male attention. Not exactly what I meant. I found some better results when I searched how to improve yin energy. Here are some tips/thoughts that do make sense to me:
- Move – movement of any kind will typically always increase feminine energy. Dance freely without being conscious of who is watching you, make it seductive.. feminine energy gets activated by movement. (Source)
- Eat the right foods – drink spearmint tea instead of your regular tea. Spearmint is known to control and lower testosterone levels. A Turkish study showed that PCOS women who drank 2 cups of spearmint tea every day for a month showed a significant reduction in the level of excess androgen. (Source)
- Rest up: You may not feel “allowed” to rest but be aware that the more you wear yourself out the less productive you will be. An exhausted body or mind cannot render good results either at home or at work. (Source)
- Self-love: Pointing out at least one thing in the mirror that you actually like about yourself, and that you’re excited to see. (Source)
Mind, body and soul. That’s it.
Man, it hasn’t been since Dan Savage that I’ve really fallen for a man’s advice column, but Isaac Huss pens Gentlemen Speak over at Verily Mag and he gets it right so often. Huss’ column seems equal parts advising men on relationships and explaining why men do things they do. I just read Huss’s “WAIT TO SAY “I LOVE YOU”” and it’s reassuring to realize that at least one man out there understands the meaning of I love you. Given the number of times I’ve heard it, followed by actions that don’t reflect it, a lot of men still have a lot to figure out.
That’s because there’s a difference between telling somebody you love them and actually intending to love them. That is, telling somebody you love them is just lip service and actually loving someone is work.
My daily horoscope from Susan Miller’s astrologyzone.com:
We experience many last times in our lifetimes, but often, we’re not aware of it. What a mind-blowing notion… for the last time in my lifetime.