I feel sad right now. More sad than I get lately. Meaning, I can’t really get devastatingly sad anymore. The medicine stops the hurricane, so to speak. But I’m sad now, and am tempted to sit on my bed, hug my knees and let that hurricane arrive. I’ve done it so many times before–and old habits are hard to break, even with medication.
What caused it? Pining away for a guy who’s not interested in me. Big surprise there, right? She remarks sarcastically.
But that’s just the trigger. What’s really eating away at me?
- I feel like I’m existing, not living.
- I feel like I’m not good enough–never have been, never will be.
- I feel like I live in a world where I constantly have to defend my way of thinking.
- I feel directionless.
- And I feel like I’m the only one.
And yes, I feel like no one will ever love me. But I have been loved, and isn’t that good enough, can’t that console me in my present long enough to last me into the future where anything else possible?
I recognize that I’m just feeling a lot of negative things right now. And that I have the capability to feel positive things–I have to at least attempt to. And that right now is constantly changing. It’s hard for me to believe, but I can beat back a hurricane.