After 3 1/2 years of exclusive dating, Adam Hopkins and I are through. And what’s worse than having your heart broken is having your trust betrayed. Particularly by the one person who I wouldn’t have ever thought would do that. Even though he’s out late at bars, even though he’s a very charismatic person, I always trusted him because he said he loved me and because I truly believed that he was the epitome of a good person. Unfortunately, I believed in him more than he did in himself.
At first I thought we were going to be able to end our relationship on okay terms. Not that it ever happens on okay terms, but I thought we would just do our own separate things, but in a year, I’d be fine calling him a friend. I don’t see that happening anymore and here’s why. Below are my grievances towards Adam Hopkins and how he turned a loss of 3 1/2 years into a waste of 3 1/2 years.
A little back story. I got my M.A. on May 15th and had been crazy busy for the whole semester leading up to this. Things weren’t great between Adam and I, but I really believed it was because my attention was on school and I thought once that was over, we’d fix stuff. He left for a three week music retreat in Banff, Canada on May 16th. He returned on Sunday, June 6th.
1. He would call and e-mail me every other day and tell me that he missed me and loved me. But then when he got back and we started talking about stuff, he said that he so enraptured by the music and stuff going on there that he really wasn’t thinking about me at all. Sample e-mail:
May 26: “Hope your day is good. On my way to a club set that a friend is playing and then rehearsal at 10:30. Busy, busy! But good. Just wanted to say hello and hope your day was good. Love.Adam”
2. He told me that he was having all these concerns about our relationship while he was at Banff. When did he tell me this? On Sunday when he got back? No, on Sunday, I went to see him, he told me “cute hair cut” and we chit chatted for a while, and then he took me to his bed in the biblical sense. Not a single mention that anything was askew in our relationship.
3. Did he start to bring up his concerns about the relationship when I saw him next on Monday? Nope. Instead we threw a softball in the park and had a really nice time. I had to instigate a conversation about us, because I knew something was wrong.
4. After we have a long conversation about what’s not working for us, we decide on staying together as casual, romantic friends and that I would see other people on the side. But he would not. Because we were changing out relationship because he wasn’t ready for the commitment, but he wasn’t interested in dating anyone, he just wanted to focus 100% on his music. I was allowed to date other people, because with his commitment to his music, he didn’t want me to miss out on the opportunity to be with someone who might be able to really make me happy. He was really trying to act like the noble person, like he was giving me up so that I could really find happiness. This was all a facade.
5. I repeatedly asked him if this was just a stepping stone to us breaking up. He said no every time, he emphasized that he didn’t want to break up, that he just needed things to change. I asked him if it was even a remote possibility that we would have a future together. He said yes it was. He’s a coward who couldn’t do the right thing because it was the hard thing.
6. I agreed to our arrangement in #4. Then he says he has one more thing to add. I was like you’ve got to be kidding. He tells me how he had met someone in Banff that he had real feelings for, but that it didn’t matter because she lived in Australia and would never see her again. He assured me they didn’t do anything. This came as a huge shock considering his e-mail on May 26 (we had already been e-mailing about how he needed to be more honest/open about having female friends, so I wouldn’t get jealous/insecure):
“There are of course girls here, and most of them play really, really well and are cool too. But it is weird to explain, for me. In the music world I don’t really differentiate between having a girl in an ensemble…it is just another musician. If they are good and it works then we play together, but nothing beyond that. I actually have an improvised group (that I put together that is me and ALL girls, but it’s because of the instruments they play, and has nothing to do with them being girls). So there are many girls that I know here just because we play together. Of all of them there are probably two that I would consider actual friends…like if people go to the bar or have a listening session, then we hang out. One of them is part of the Aussie’s, but when I talk about them being out of control I don’t really mean her. The Aussie guys do things like take their shirts off and slap each other. But I assure you there is nothing to worry about. …OK, looking forward to coming home and seeeeeing you. Love.Adam
7. When go back to his apartment on Monday to sleep. I of course don’t and instead am just freaking out that this is not right at all. Tuesday morning, I fly home to Ithaca to surround myself with loved ones and figure my stuff out. He calls me, and I tell him that I’m home and working through stuff. He sounds really annoyed that I was telling everyone that we were broken up. I told him I would stop and that we would try to stick to the situation we had discussed in #4.
8. Wednesday I send him a message that say we need to end it because I need to focus on myself, which is exactly what he’s doing. He calls me and we talk about it. He’s sad it’s ending, but not sad about losing me. We say that we’ll still play softball together, that we won’t make a decision about our summer vacation in North Carolina until the due date in July. We say that we’re going to work this through and we can still be friends. Our break up was going to be sad but not messy. He said that we’ll get together on Sunday and talk through all this stuff.
9. That is until Saturday. I came back to Baltimore on Thursday. He spent Thursday and Friday nights in NYC. He had told me he was going to spend Friday night with his friend T.J. Huff so that they could talk. I sincerely thought that this was difficult for Adam. It turns out the Austrialian girl, Shannon Barnett, who he was never going to see again was also in NYC for the same show Adam was going to. He could have told me about this on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday and he didn’t. He chose to leave me in the dark. Probably so he wouldn’t feel guilty about what would happen next.
10. After dating for three and a half years, Adam and I hadn’t even been broken up for two days when he hung out with this girl and “kissed” her. He apologizes for hurting me, but not for kissing her. She hung out with his best friend T.J. to the point where she friend-ed him on Facebook. I know T.J. and I aren’t the greatest of friends, but I was hoping for just the tiniest shred of loyalty from him–or at least hoping that he would tell Adam to lay off and not make a bad situation worse. But if I couldn’t expect loyalty from Adam, why on earth would I hope for it from T.J.
11. I didn’t find out that she was in NYC with him from Adam. I found out about it on Saturday (days after the fact) from Facebook. And I had really believed on Monday that she was not a major factor in all this mess. I really believed that he would never see her again because that’s what he told me.
12. This also came as an extreme shock because 1. Adam had posted a message on my Facebook wall Saturday morning about riding my bike fast as lightening, which is our inside joke/thing from a Kimya Dawson song. 2. We had exchanged friendly text messages Saturday morning about how we’ve been/what’s been going on. Of course he made no mention of Shannon or that anything was awry at all. I completely thought that we were in the same position we were in on Wednesday (#8). I really thought that we would talk about stuff on Sunday and end fairly amicably. In my head this was still all about his music, not about another girl.
13. Other things, not in chronological order, it kills me that he can’t hide his delight and happiness that he experienced in Banff. He’s repeatedly called it the greatest experience of his entire life, which just feels like a cold slap in the face. Especially, because I was so supportive of him for the whole damn thing. Like oh I don’t care that you’ll miss my graduation, this is a huge opportunity for you. Oh you’re too busy to really talk? That’s okay, I’m glad you’ve got your motivation back.
14. He wrote me this morning attempting to take the noble approach about how he hopes we’ll be friends and stuff. He writes,
“I really appreciate you being there for me for the past year, which really was the worst year of my life. It didn’t make it any easier, but it was comforting knowing that you were there by my side throughout the whole thing. I think you are an amazing person…”
He thinks I’m so amazing, and he’s so appreciative as I stood by him through some really tough times, but he can’t even give me three days to wait to talk to me before he goes making out with some other girl that he has serious feelings for?
15. I’m just so angry that he chose to let this other person in when he hadn’t even finished what was going on with us. He’s such a coward, he was never going to break up with me, he was just going to keep stringing me along until he could move away and then distance would take it’s toll.
This is practically a novel huh? It’s just so hard because again, I really thought he was the one person who would always do the right thing, no matter if it’s the hard thing. And he didn’t. He was completely weak and cowardly. He lied to me so often. Something I was always so afraid of due to past relationships. It’s like I let him know all of my fears and he chose to manipulate all of them.
I’m just angry and disappointed. I know there’s no point to feeling entitled in a relationship, because you can’t control what the other person does, but it’s hard to handle that the person you trusted completely was willing to betray that trust completely.