Dilemma
As you may know, I’ve spent nearly the past year training for a marathon. My sights were set on the 36th Marine Corps Marathon in D.C. this Sunday. I was expecting to write a post later this week about everything I’ve accomplished in running, all the great places where I’ve run and all the incredible people who have helped me along the way.
Unfortunately, my plans have gone awry.
Back Story
About two weeks ago, I went for a long run and about two miles into it I had some knee pain. I’ve been lucky in that during all this training, I had never had an injury worse than blisters. By mile five, I had to call for a ride because I couldn’t go forward. It felt like my knee was stabbing itself.
I saw a doc and he told me it was tendonitis, to take it easy and ice it, and when it hurts stop running. To be more specific, it’s Iliotibial band syndrome.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been in a bit of a fog. I’m too nervous to even look at my training schedule, which would have had me running anywhere from 6 to 14 miles nearly every other day, running hills and doing speed training.
Instead, every few days I’d take off on nothing more than a flat 3 or 4 miles hoping that my knee would be perfect and all would be good. Such has not been the case. Nearly every time my knee has cut my run short. And the pain lasts longer than just the run. Going down stairs, lifting my knee to uncross my legs have become trying tasks after a run.
What Do I Do?
My marathon is in four days away. I could:
a.) Defer my entry to next year and find a different marathon in the spring to slowly train for;
b.) Run it knowing full well I’ll have to drop out as soon the pain hits which may be at mile 3 and just try to enjoy the experience;
c.) Run it and try to make it to the halfway mark, pain be damned;
d.) Take some painkillers, get a brace and pain be damned try wholeheartedly for the whole thing. A marathon is all about mental toughness anyway, right?
But….
I know what the smart decision is. I know what the rational decision is. BUT those are the frustrating choices, the choices that make me feel like a failure, like I lost this epic battle with the marathon and life.
I embraced running after some really tough times last year. And to be frank, I felt like I had something to prove. And so by finishing the marathon, I wanted to say hey, I can do this, I am better and stronger than I think I am, better than people have treated me. For all those people who didn’t think I could, for myself who thought I couldn’t — well, there’s my time, there’s my sweaty bib, I did it. I have ridden the highs and lows of training and life and come out on top. Except for right now and on Sunday which may be the worst low of all.
And now I feel like it’s slim that I’m going to have that moment. I feel like, everyone who’s ever doubted me was right — most importantly myself. I probably am my biggest anti-cheerleader (is there a better word for that?), I am very critical of myself. And as I have to make this decision, I can feel all that negativity coming back. That voice that says I can’t do this, I’m a failure, that my knee is a cop out etc. And I don’t know how to shut it up. And I don’t know what to do.
Oh god that is awful. Here’s two cents from a stranger, if you don’t mind:
You say you got into running because of some tough times. What a fantastic remedy. Not only have you helped yourself to heal from whatever was troubling you, but you have strengthened your body for years to come. Tendonitis is a short-term setback and even though pulling out of your first marathon feels like a failure, try to think what 50 year old or 60 year old you will think about that. If you tried to run it on painkillers, you could really do some damage to ‘future you’.
Yeah, it sucks and it’s easier said than done. But if you wait, train for something in the Spring and survive this obstacle, think how mentally and physically tough you will be then! Be kind to yourself and your body, eh?
thanks, i quite appreciate your advice because it’s unbiased. the voice of reason! plus if complete strangers want me to treat myself more kindly, how could i act so unkindly towards myself.
I second that comment. And add that if you chose not to run that you are in no way failing to accomplish the challenge or losing this epic battle with the marathon. The only way you could do that would be to permanently injure your knee. As long as you healthy, the marathon will still be there.
don’t you know this is the last marathon ever? in the whole future of marathons. this is it.
There’s no denying that sucks. You should really be proud of yourself for committing to train for something as tough as a marathon though! Tendonitis is just a temporary setback in your master plan. Your body is telling you that no matter what your head and heart are thinking, it needs a bit of a rest.
I understand the motivation to beat down those feelings of failure and the heartbreak that can come from having to sit out an event you’ve been waiting so long for. But pushing your body through an injury like this (especially a knee!) can have disastrous consequences later.
You’ve spent almost a year training, which itself is a huge accomplishment. Let your body heal up, and then plan for another marathon in the spring. Or two! Or three!
thank you courtney! yeah i’m trying to save my ego, by telling myself that if my knee were okay, i would run the marathon and i would finish. i mean i did the hard part, the marathon is just the pay off. guess i’ll just keep my eyes set on the springtime.
Your injury was diagnosed by a doctor. I’d say do what he says and not risk making things worse. It isn’t a cop out because you know it isn’t an imagined injury.
Train for a marathon in the spring like you said. When you accomplish that you’ll look back on this and be even more proud of what you have achieved. The harder the journey the greater the reward.
Don’t kid yourself. I know I’m a bigger anti-Heather cheerleader than anyone….
Seriously. I don’t really know you all that well. We haven’t really socialized much outside of poker but I think you are a pretty awesome person. I’m sad that you left the area before we got to know each other better.
I can understand being your own worst critic. No one is harder on me than me. Hit me up anytime if you want to compare notes on self criticism or just to talk some shit. It might do us both some good to criticize someone other than ourselves.
Kochis
P.S. Come play poker. I could use the money.
ha, love that you insult me while being nice to me – that’s how we do huh?
that’s a good point about the doc. i mean a professional was all, you could do it, you just won’t finish. he probably knows what he’s talking about. it’s a bummer though.
keep in touch!
[...] wasn’t my best run — I finished in 2:33:31 — but considering my knee injury back in October, I’m just glad I got to run and finish. Part of me wanted to blow this 30×30 out of the [...]